Behind These Hazel Eyes

[Jacquie]

Behind These Hazel Eyes

Disclaimer: I do not own Kelly Clarkson’s lyrics and/or Yu Yu Hakusho.

A/N: Alright well here’s a second Koenma fic. I decided to do another songfic (I seem to be doing a lot lately), and anyways, this song is Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson and this time I’m trying to fit the plot line to the song this time instead of vise versa. Anyways, have fun and R&R please!

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

~Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right~

You looked down from the clouds onto Spirit world as you watched the flurry of excitement. Heaven and Earth had been saved after all…well that was interesting. Koenma’s detectives actually did it. Wild. You had never seen them, you had never even said hello to any of them. You used to be the head of Spirit World’s Investigations Department, up until that fateful day. Your heart broke just thinking about it. Now you were in heaven and happier than ever – or at least that’s what you told yourself, but you knew it wasn’t true. It would never be true. You knew you’d rather be down there and able to see his face – whether he hated you or not. Your eyes filled up with water as you thought back on your memories and your heart ached over and over again as you sobbed. Heaven wasn’t heaven at all. In fact it may have been bloody better to be in Hell. At least then the place would have been named properly.

This is your story….

~Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on~

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

“Lady (Your first name), Lady (Your first name)!” An Ogre ran up to you holding an enormous stack of papers.

“Be careful Holmes! They just waxed the floor!” You cautioned worriedly – the Ogres in your department had this little talent of clumsiness. If it could be broken, slipped on, or killed, your department could do it within ten seconds.

“Don’t worry Lady (your first name), I won’t – Whoooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” CRASH! Papers flew everywhere and Holmes ran around picking them up. You rolled your eyes, once again it had happened. Honestly it never ceased to amaze you; you walked over to Holmes.

“Are you okay Holmes?”

“I’m sorry, Lady, really I am! Holmes didn’t mean to!” You sighed and smiled as you told him it was okay and took the papers from them as you sorted through them, trying to find page one. And Koenma thinks he has work? You shook your head in disbelief, how many cases could Spirit World have at once anyways? Obviously a good deal – another way of saying on going work.

“Now who sent these Holmes and did they mention what they were?” This’ll take forever to sort through; there must be a thousand and some pages here. You thought, shaking your head at whoever sent them; they must have been nuts to send this many papers with an Ogre from your department.

“Koenma, my lady.” Holmes bowed his head in apology; you shook your head, the Ogres in your department were so sweet one minute and terrors the next. It figures, yep, that was your best friend the nutcase. I’m so glad he’s not ruler of Spirit World just yet, you thought smiling. Koenma and you had grown up together and now you both had full time jobs in Spirit World, thus you had become pretty close friends.

“I thought as much, thank you for the delivery Holmes, I’ll take it from here. Can you go and fetch a sign for the newly waxed floor please?” You asked as Holmes nodded enthusiastically and raced off into the distance as you looked at Holmes who had not yet bruised, bashed, or otherwise injured or broken something. “Wow. An all time record.”

CRAAAAASH! “I’M SORRY LADY (YOUR FIRST NAME)!!!!” You sighed and sweat-dropped; spoke too soon, as usual.

You walked back over the waxed floor, which was indeed very slippery, you noted and into your office. You dropped the papers on the desk and began to sort through them; minor case, minor case, minor case, minor case, minor case. MAJOR CASE. Minor case, minor case, minor case and so on. You put the other papers aside and went back to the document marked ‘Major Case’ in gigantic bold letters. Well, it’s safe to say he wants me to take a look at this one pronto; you smiled as you opened the case file.

“Rogue Spirit Detective.

Former Spirit Detective Shinobu Sensui has reappeared after ten years and has….”

You started to read as you took a sip of the hot chocolate that Watson had brought you earlier that morning. Great, another huge case, this was bound to get things whirling again, you told yourself as you wondered if Koenma had set the current Spirit Detectives onto the case yet. Most likely – then again – your train of thought was cut off as the code red alarm went off. What happened? Was your first thought as you ran out of the office and immediately slipped on the newly waxed floor. You grumbled and got up as you kept running; finally you reached the Investigations Security Department and dove through the door as your eyes surveyed the security cameras. They all looked normal, but the alarm was going off. What happened? Your mind screamed as you sat down in the chair and went back through the tapes to look at the entire building parameter. Something was different. You noted to yourself. No one else would see anything unusual, but to the trained eye, something was different in the top floor of the library where the highest security records and documents were kept. What was it? Your eyes scanned all the angles of the room, time and time again. Still nothing – maybe it was your imagination. No! It wasn’t! I saw something!

Just then an Ogre that you had named Sherlock burst into the room. “Lady! Lady! Come quickly! Chapter Black has been stolen!”

“WHAT?” You screamed as you got up out of your chair as you rushed towards the record library. It was gone? But how could that be? We have the highest security – no one can breech it! I can’t even get passed it myself! You thought rapidly as you arrived at the library where the alarm was currently being reset! “What happened?” You demanded all business. “No one should be able to get passed our systems or even in here! I want security measures doubled! We’ll find the thing that did this and we’ll get that tape back! You hear me?” It was safe to say this was one of the first times something like this had happened in a few hundred years and you were flipping.

“Calm down!” A voice commanded as you turned around. Koenma stormed into the room with Botan at his heels.

“S-sir?” Your eyes widened, you were in hot water now. Koenma was no calmer than you it seemed.

“What happened, (your first name)?” His eyes glistened with anger and stress; it was safe to say he wasn’t having a good day. You through Botan a pleading look, a look that told her to calm him down before he fired you for no apparent reason. Well he’d have a reason alright, in just a few seconds. You were scared. No, that wasn’t right; you were down right freaked out. Not because your job was on the line (well, that was part of the reason), but because the most valuable document in Spirit World had been stolen and right under your nose! “(Your first name)!”

“Sorry, sir. It seems Chapter Black has been stolen. I honestly have no idea how they got past are security and the cameras didn’t even pick up a trace of any of them…at least I assume there were more than one – to get passed security like this there couldn’t have only been one thief.” You rambled off; you barely even understood what you were saying. Koenma was mad and you just knew you were going to take the blame for everything that had ever happened to him at that moment. This wasn’t good. No! Stop it! Everything is going to be fine, (your first name), you just need to calm yourself down, you mentally ordered. Unfortunately it didn’t make matters any better.

There was an eerie silence in the room as Koenma took one step towards you, “Are. You. Serious?”

You bowed your head slightly, “Yes, sir. I’m sorry sir.” Then it hit you…the file you had been reading! That was the one and only person you knew of who could pull of a job like this and single handedly too! “Sir, what about Sensui?”

“WHAT ABOUT HIM? WE’VE JUST LOST THE MOST VALUABLE DOCUMENT IN SPIRIT WORLD (FROM RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE!) AND YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT MY FORMER SPIRIT DETECTIVE?” Koenma bellowed as you backed up a little. You wanted to keep your eardrums in tact for a few minutes so you could argue with him. You had a temper, but generally you did quite well at keeping it in tact and keeping a cool head. Not this time though – he had gone a little too far in blaming just you. Though you knew in the back of your mind that he was right.

“Calm down, Koenma! I meant what if it was Sensui? What if the two are connected somehow?” You dropped the formalities as you spoke in a ‘duh’ tone. You were pretty ticked at him for how he was acting. Currently, you didn’t care about anything (including your job); you were going to talk to him how you usually did. No formalities, just the straight out truth. He was right, but you weren’t going to let that stop you. “Stop blaming everything on me! It’s not my fault that our security systems were breeched! I’ve been telling you for fifty years that we need a new system!”

“That is beside the point! The point is you’re in charge of the department, you’re supposed to take charge of these kinds of things; not just sit there and let them happen!” Koenma scolded you as you held back your tears. You hated getting yelled at; it wasn’t that you were a wuss or anything like that; you just didn’t like getting yelled at. It was like a mental dagger; Koenma knew that and yet he still…you turned around and started to walk away. I thought you were different! I thought you would be the one person who would handle things calmly! You thought angrily; everyone else in your life had done things like this to you. It was like the rule in all three worlds! Blame (Your full name) when something went wrong! You weren’t going to let him see you cry! You fled from the room as you heard Koenma calling after you.

~Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one~

That had done it. You were taking your leave – let them get a new head of security! Let them get somebody who can do the job right! You didn’t care anymore, you sniffled; you really didn’t! You ran into the nearest empty office and began to type rapidly on the computer a notification to your boss that you were taking your leave. You were going to heaven and leaving this world behind – you had had a reservation booked there for quite sometime now anyways! It was time you took them up on it! Tears flew from your eyes as you hit the print button and the official notification printed out. You frantically searched for a pen, and finally you found one as you signed your name vigorously on the paper. There. It was all done.

Now all I have to do is deliver it…joy. Oh Botan! You smiled slightly; the perky, blue haired messenger girl would be the perfect person to deliver it to Koenma. You were good friends with her and you knew she’d do it for you with out question; but you’d miss her dearly when you went to heaven. Oh well, you would be able to watch her from above. You sighed as you knelt onto the carpeted floor, and watched as your teardrops hit the light blue carpet, changing the color to dark blue. Did you really want to do this? The one question probed your mind for five minutes and you finally came up with an answer.

Yes. You did. You had had enough of Spirit World. But…

Koenma. You knew you couldn’t stay mad at him forever, but yet, you realized finally. You were in love with him – that’s why you weren’t ever able to stay mad at him for long and that’s why you just stood there and took it earlier on. You still loved him that much you knew for certain, but if he was going to rip your heart to pieces every two years when something like this came up, what was the point of staying? Was it really worth it? He’d never return your feelings.

~Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes~

You got off of your knees and ran out of the office, for once in your life you had to be strong! You had to go through with something because it was right and not proper! You ran down the hall as you wiped the tears from your eyes and ran around the corner…you had to find Botan. “BOTAN!” You called at the top of your lungs, it didn’t occur to you that the rest of Spirit World could hear you and were probably looking for you. “BOTAN!”

“(Your first name)!” You heard her squeal delightedly.

“Botan, I don’t want to be found alright! Keep your voice down, please!” You told her as she looked you over.

“Have you been crying? (Your first name), what’s wrong?” She asked.

“Look, I don’t really want to explain it but I’m resigning and taking heaven up on that offer they gave me a few years back. I need you to deliver my notice of resignation to Koenma, please? I don’t think I can face him…I’m in love with him for god’s sake, Botan!” You hugged her as you began to cry again.

~I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life~

“Don’t worry, (Your first name), I’ll give this to Koenma! But I’ll miss you! I don’t want you to go! Can’t you just rethink this (when you’re feeling better) and go somewhere else in Spirit World?” Botan asked frantically. She didn’t like your idea too much either it seemed.

“No. I can’t. Trust me Botan, if I was to do that, he’d still be able to come and call…I don’t think I could stand that! I won’t ever be able to.” Little did you know that, that would come to be your greatest wish. You shook your head at her sadly as she burst into tears and hugged you fiercely. “Botan, can you do one more thing for me?” She nodded lightly, “I need you to tell Koenma something for me. Directly.” She nodded some more. “Tell him that – tell him that I love him and I’m sorry I was such a pathetic head of security. Tell him I think he should hire some one with more backbone.” Botan giggled slightly at this, but the forlorn look never left her face.

[Jacquie]

~Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside~

“Goodbye Botan.” You said as you gave your friend one last look in the eye. “And good luck.” This was killing you. Completely and utterly killing you. You had to get out of here quick or you knew you’d back out again. You’d back out again, like you had done in several situations, in several times in the past! It wasn’t going to happen again! You may have had a strong resolve, but the simplest difficulty had always broken it.

“Goodbye (Your first name)!” Botan burst into tears again as her oar materialized, “Here, I want you to keep this to remember me by – I can get a new one.” You nodded and thanked her as you took off your necklace that held a rock in which was carved a rose and handed it to her.

“Tell Koenma everything for me!” She nodded as you gave her one last hug and then turned and ran! You knew it was cowardly, but that’s what you were. Just a plain miserable coward and that’s what you’d always be. You couldn’t do a thing besides keep on running. Nothing, nodda, zip. You then remembered Botan’s oar in your hand and jumped on it, not looking back.

Never looking back.

~'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on~

Whoa! It goes fast! You thought as you flew over all of spirit world and saw a bunch of your Ogres looking for you. “BYE GUYS!” You yelled from your oar, hopefully loud enough so that they would hear you. You looked down at them as the tears splattered onto your face because of the wind. They looked up and noted you in the air as their eyes widened in surprise as they watched you zoom off into the distance and then ran to find Koenma.

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Botan ran to Koenma’s office as fast as her legs could carry her. She had never realized how slow she went with out her oar. Nevertheless she had to get the news to Koenma. “SIR! KOENMA SIR!” She shouted as she dashed into the office, only to be greeted by three rabidly talking Ogres. Watson, Sherlock and Holmes…your three favorite Ogres that helped you run the security part of the Records Department.

“Botan! Thank god! Can you decipher what these bimbos are saying?” Koenma asked her urgently. “It’s something about (Your first name) but I can’t make anything else out because they won’t shut up and/or go slower!”

“Sir…there’s something you should know.” Botan lowered her head as she handed him your resignation notice sadly and inaudibly as you watched from afar. His reaction should be interesting. “(Your first name), she, resigned. Apparently heaven offered her a place a few years ago and now she decided to take them up on their offer. She also told me to tell you something and I quote: ‘tell him that I love him and I’m sorry I was such a pathetic head of security. Tell him I think he should hire some one with more backbone next time.’” Botan bowed as she dragged the three Ogres out of the office with her.

“Botan!” Koenma commanded as Botan pushed the Ogres out the door and walked back into the office, shutting the door behind her to keep the blabbering Ogres from entering.

“Yes sir?”

“I need to borrow your oar, Botan.” Koenma told the surprised ferry girl.

She shook her head at him sadly, “I’m sorry sir, I gave it to (Your first name). I suppose there is the emergency one though…” She trailed off waiting for the withering sound of Koenma’s shouts to come.

Instead of yells, a calm frantic voice interrupted her train of thought, “Where is it, Botan? Where?”

“Oh it’s in my – wait a minute! Sir, you’re not thinking of going after her are you? You won’t make it in time! She’ll get there before you can even catch up. She was going at top speed when she took off…” Botan protested to her superior. As much as she’d like to see (your first name) again, she knew you’d hate it if Koenma came after you. You had said you couldn’t face him and by the look on your face you were completely serious.

~Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one~

“I have to try! The oar, Botan?” Koenma demanded sternly.

“Right here…but it does go a little slower, which is why I don’t use it. You’ll never catch up to her!” Botan remonstrated to her superior as she realized there was no way to get him to listen to reason. It figures, he’s just like you (your first name) he’ll go to all lengths to get something done and it doesn’t matter what the chances are! She shook her head slightly at the thought, if only you could have seen it.

“I’m going.” Koenma replied as he hopped onto the oar. “Botan…how does this thing work?” He looked at his ferry girl with a frown as it wobbled back and forth. Botan smiled at him, as she began to explain that all he had to do was think ‘stop’ and ‘go’ and the oar would do just that – but no other commands worked so remember that!

“GOOD LUCK SIR!” The smiling blue haired girl waved to him from the ground as the oar flew out of through the Gates of Judgment and up into the sky. Well, now she was left with no oars, “Whatever am I supposed to do now?” She put her hands on her hips and walked off down the hallway, quietly wishing the two lovers luck.

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

“(YOUR FIRST NAME)!” You heard a voice shouting your name as you looked back to see a small figure in the distance. Botan? You thought as you frowned, what was she doing? Did she get your notice of leave to Koenma yet? The figure got closer and as your broom slowed down you saw that the person was not Botan but…KOENMA? Your mind screamed. You immediately sped up your oar, how the heck did he get Botan’s emergency oar? Oh that’s right, he must have ordered her to give it to him! It figures…Wait that means she gave him the news and everything already! “(YOUR FIRST NAME)! HOLD UP A MOMENT!” You reefed on the oar, trying to get it to go faster…Botan didn’t give you any instructions on how to work the darn thing! You rolled your eyes, yep that was Botan, willing to lend you anything but never gave you any directions!

Don’t stop! You thought to your oar as it stopped in mid air. Uh oh, you thought, when something stops flying, what happens to it? Your eyes widened as the oar fell…down, down.

…..

Still going down, let’s wait a few more seconds.

…..

….

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” You shouted as your oar picked up the pace, only it was falling down, not flying up. And that would be the problem.

“(YOUR FIRST NAME)! THINK GO!” You heard Koenma shout…so she gave Koenma directions and not you? Oh he probably remembered to ask and wasn’t blubbering and in tears. Hmph, I’ll kill her when I get back! You thought, as you fell, you had become quite used to the falling sensation by now. Wait a minute…I’m not coming back! Then it hit you. You weren’t coming back…ever. You wouldn’t be able to get back. The waterworks started again as you thought about what Koenma had told you, ‘think go’, what does that mean? Suddenly, the oar stopped in mid air and you grabbed onto it with all your might. After what had happened a few seconds ago, you weren’t taking any chances.

~Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes~

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” The oar whooshed back up into the air and began steadily increasing its speed. So that’s it, you thought, I think stop and it stops….uh oh. GO, GO, GO! Just don’t think stop (Your first name); go! You told yourself as you realized Koenma’s oar was coming closer to yours by the second. By now you could make out his brown hair and beautiful hazel eyes as you sped your broom up somehow…you didn’t know how but it sped up.

You looked in front of you as you arrived at the pearly gates of Heaven...in your opinion they needed a bit of a paint job… it was definitely not what everyone spread fantasies about. Or maybe they were and you just didn’t look at them in the right perspective. “Can I help you?” A man in white with a beard raised his eyebrows at you and probably the mess your hair was in…or maybe they didn’t get people on floating oars up here very often? Who knew, you shrugged as you landed onto the cloud and tentatively got off of your oar – just incase you were going to fall through the clouds or something.

“Well…I was offered a place up here a few years ago? I was hoping the offer was still good? My name’s (Your full name).” You told him as he flipped through pages on a silver clip board.

“What do think of the paint job on the gates? Truthfully now…” The man questioned you. Wait, what was this, some sort of admission password or something? Well he did ask for the truth, you thought as you smiled and prepared to give your answer.

“Truthfully they need a serious paint job and I think you need to make the design a little fancier. Why?” You told him, trying to hold in your laughter at the look on the old man’s face.

“Everyone’s a critic.” He muttered as he swung his pearled pen around, “I painted the thing and now they want it fancier?” You caught him rolling his eyes at you as he checked something off on the list. “Go on in…but you’re sure? Remember you can’t get back out unless we get paid a bail.”

You snorted at the thought of needing a bail to get out of Heaven, which was just downright hilarious. “I don’t think I’ll be needing to get out of Heaven…who would want to?”

“Well there of have been the odd cases. I thought they were nuts too. Anyways, right through here and to your right – not your left! Remember, curiosity killed the cat.” The man instructed you.

“Hey what’s your name?” You asked him; out of curiosity was he anyone famous?

“Leonardo De Vinci.” Your eyes widened, I met Leonardo De Vinci…that was odd…he painted the gate? Now that’s weird…

“Well, it was nice meeting you!” You waved as you grabbed your oar and ran through the small tunnel and took the right road. I wonder where the left road goes?

Now you were on the clouds and in heaven and it was beautiful…but there was something missing. You observed, it’s perfect and all, but I’m still not satisfied. Isn’t there a life back guarantee or something? Probably not…to do that I’d have to make a deal with the devil….

You looked over in the distance to see Koenma speeding straight for the pearly gates. I’m sorry Koenma…really I am, you thought as you observed how busy the Spirit World really was…wow and it seems so much tamer if you’re in the middle of the it, you thought to yourself as you saw Botan trying to organize a party of Ogres. I wish I could talk to her, a small tear slid onto your cheek that was the one downside of being in heaven. No contact with loved ones…maybe Heaven wasn’t as good as the TV commercials in Spirit World cracked it up to be?

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

Koenma stopped Botan’s emergency oar as he watched you enter the pearly gates. You were gone. He had lost you. I’d do anything to get you back (Your first name); to tell you that I loved you. Anything. A lone tear fell from his eye as he turned the oar around. I’m so sorry.

~Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...~

The oar flew back to Spirit World at top speed as Botan stood at the gates, hoping to see her friend (Your first name) with Koenma and wanting her oar back. They were expensive! But no, all that came into view was a slumped Koenma on an emergency oar. She fell onto her knees as her tears started up again, she didn’t think she could cry again, but she was wrong. (Your first name)’s in a better place Botan, think of it that way, she’s in a better place. No she’s not! It can’t be a better place with out me and Koenma!

Koenma pulled into his office with Botan at his side. He got off the oar and gave it back to her. “She’s already there, Botan. She’s gone and all because I was too stupid to stop her. I shouldn’t have yelled at her. It’s all my fault!” He lamented as Botan looked at her superior. You were both so foolish and rash, (Your first name). I told you that would get you into trouble one day…I just didn’t think it’d be this deep of trouble.

Come back (Your first name)! Her mind screamed as she wept, please come back.

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

You sighed as you watched your friend and the one you loved…you had made the biggest mistake of your life. You were so irrational. So foolish. You cried as you watched your friends, how could you have been so rash? Oh that’s right, you were (your full name), and that was reason in itself.

~Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes~

“KOENMA! BOTAN!” You screamed at the top of your lungs and you were here for eternity! Talk about irony. Heaven and Hell was it? Maybe they should reverse the names on the places. Boy did foolish have a different meaning to it now. You wanted out! But you couldn’t! You had to watch life go on from the twilight zone otherwise known as Heaven, or should I say Hell? Who knew, and who bloody cared? Well, it was one ongoing TV soap opera, where nothing ever happened until Friday.

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

You sighed, yep, that was your story and maybe one day in eternity either Botan or Koenma would figure out there was a bail for Heaven…just maybe. You didn’t think it was something Heaven would advertise on their TV commercials. Well you always had hope and that was because Heaven was full of it.

By Jacquie